Transcript (Telethon: Nukes for North Korea):

Bush: Hello.  I am George W. Bush, and I will be hosting this telethon
    for a most worthy cause: nuclear non-proliferation.
    Proliferation of nuclear weapons is the gravest threat to global
    stability.  We must do whatever is necessary to prevent the use
    of nuclear weapons.  To do this, I have decided to nuke North Korea.

    Since the United Nations has shown itself unwilling to deal with
    worthy causes like this, I have decided to use that very American
    of institutions: the telethon.

Bush: To get us started: The United States has agreed to provide 40%
    of the nukes required.

Rice: I have Russia on the line.  They have agreed to match the US
    contribution.  However, there could be a small problem:
    While they have more than enough devices, they aren't sure they
    know where many of them are.

Rumsfeld: Britain has promised to contribute whatever we tell them is
    needed.

Powell: India just promised to contribute one more nuke than Pakistan
    does, but Pakistan has to go first.

Tenet: Pakistan has responded by agreeing to contribute, but India has
    do go first.

Bush: This dog won't hunt.

Powell (on phone): What if North Korea, with less than 2% of your GDP, were to
    move ahead of you as a nuclear power?
    What would that do to your "grandeur"?
    (pause)
    No. This would *not* count as an above-ground test.
    OK. Get back to me.

Wolfowitz: Attention.  I have a call from Iran.  They are willing to
    contribute *two* nukes if someone will sell them *four*.

Cheney:  I have a call from North Korea.  They are willing to sell Iran
    the four nukes.  One now, and then one a month.

Bush: I loathe that poofy midget terrorist.

Cheney: Hold it.  I think North Korea is withdrawing their offer.
    I hear something about "disintermediation".

Bush: What?

Cheney: "Disintermediation" - eliminating the middleman, the intermediary.
    Remember, from your Harvard MBA program?

Bush: I probably skipped that class.  I was partying, I mean, networking.

Cheney: I have a new offer from the North Korean.  For $50 billion, they
   will promise to nuke themselves should they ever happen to develop nukes
   and threaten other countries.

Transcript abruptly terminated.

Subsequent announcement from the White House:

Ari Fleischer: President Bush has successfully stood up to North Korean
    blackmail.  In addition, he has convinced them to adopt capitalism.

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Author: Douglas B. Moran